Today is Mother’s Day.
Already, the day may feel hard and strange for you because of the reality that COVID has rendered across the collective landscape of our lives.
But if you, like so many people, have a strained, estranged, brittle, broken, or otherwise painful relationship with your mother, this day may feel doubly hard this year.
If you’ve been following my work for any time, you may know I often write about the impacts of being raised by a personality-disordered father figure.
But what if your mother was the one with a personality disorder?
What might the impacts be on you if your mom was the unstable, chaotic, unreliable parent?
What if your mom was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or evidenced many of the traits (if not formally diagnosed)?
To add a wider lens to the circumstances that may contribute to complex relational trauma, to feel seen and validated if this – being raised by a Borderline mother – is one of the primary reasons that makes Mother’s Day so hard for you this year and every year, please join me as I unpack this experience and explore the impacts it may have had on you.
(And, PS, keep reading until the end of the post for a list of other posts and resources if Mother’s Day feels hard for you this year.)
What is Borderline Personality Disorder?
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the bedrock clinical manual of the mental health field).
If you’re interested in reading the full criterion of the disorder, you can do so here.
But, essentially, BPD is a mental health condition characterized by emotional lability (an inability to regulate one’s emotions), an unstable sense of self, challenges forming and sustaining relationships, and a tendency towards erratic, often self-harming, behaviors and impulses.
And, it’s worth noting, BPD is relatively common.
It’s estimated that 1.6% of the adult U.S. population has BPD, but that number may be as high as 5.9% and of those diagnosed, nearly 75% are women.
Given these statistics and given what I’ve seen in a decade of doing this work, it’s far more common for patients to present with BPD mothers than fathers with BPD.
But, that’s not to say that men are immune from this personality disorder; it’s just statistically more common for a woman and, by extension, mothers, to have this diagnosis.
So while I’m writing from a female/mother reference point today, if your father was diagnosed with BPD, simply substitute those pronouns across this article as you read.
What causes Borderline Personality Disorder?
BPD is, in my clinical opinion, a trauma disorder.
More specifically, a relational trauma disorder.
What do I mean by this?
Overwhelmingly, research suggests that BPD patients have a history of childhood trauma.
As we know, childhood trauma can manifest in a wide variety of ways depending on the context of the circumstances, the individual who endured it, and the resulting help and support (or lack thereof) that individual received in the years ensuing the adverse early beginnings.
Sometimes, this trauma can manifest into a constellation of symptoms and responses that align with the criterion of BPD.
And when it does, it can have big impacts on the children of the sufferer.
However, it’s at this point in the article that I want to say something I feel personally very strongly about: this article is not meant to demonize mothers who have BPD traits or who have been formally diagnosed with BPD.
This article is meant to explore, not to cast stones.
It’s meant to evoke curiosity, not to chastise.
Always and in all circumstances, I strive to hold a compassionate lens and to ask the question: “And what would have led someone to behave and be in this way?”
I would invite us all to think about BPD in this way and to imagine that, at some level, that individual diagnosed or evidencing BPD probably experienced relational trauma in their lives and from that place their responses (maladaptive as they might be) spring and stem.
AND yet, also very important, you can have compassion for someone with these traits and this diagnosis, and you can still have been hugely and detrimentally impacted by their behaviors and feel anger, sorrow, and despair alongside that compassion.
It’s not either/or, it’s both/and.
And to the point of how a child may have been impacted by being raised by a borderline mother, please read on.
What are the impacts of being raised by a Borderline mother?
Our primary wish as infants is to feel safe and secure in our attachment with our parents.
That kind of security is earned through consistently good-enough, warm, attentive, caring and appropriate contact.
However, as I’ve mentioned, those with BPD struggle with emotional lability (an inability to regulate one’s emotions), an unstable sense of self, challenges forming and sustaining relationships, and a tendency towards erratic, often self-harming, behaviors and impulses.
Because of this, it can make it difficult (if not impossible) for mothers with BPD to consistently show up and demonstrate good-enough, warm, attentive, caring and appropriate responses toward their child.
That’s not to say that the BPD mother doesn’t want to show up for her child in these ways.
It just may feel impossible to her at times given her limited capacities.
This, sadly, can lead to confusion and mixed relational experiences for the infant and the child that they become.
Confusing, mixed relational experiences with one or both of the primary caregivers can manifest into a wide variety of impacts for a child raised by a borderline mother.
For instance, a child raised in these conditions can possibly develop anxious or avoidant attachment behaviors as they struggle to understand “which mom” may be waiting for them when they get off the school bus.
A child exposed to variable degrees of parental warmth and affection may experience anxiety and depression as they grow, appropriate emotional responses to a chaotic and challenging home environment.
A child steeped in an environment where this kind of chaotic relationship is modeled may struggle, as they grow into a teen and young adult, to understand what’s healthy and functional in a romantic relationship versus what’s unhealthy and dysfunctional.
A child raised in this emotionally immature environment may even develop a kind of codependent, enmeshed relationship with their borderline mother, struggling with lifelong poor boundaries that compromise their well-being and worth.
And, importantly, a child raised by a mother with BPD may be at increased risk for developing BPD or Borderline traits themselves given what was modeled and given their own subsequent relational trauma experiences.
How do I help myself if I was raised by a Borderline mother?
First, always, we want to see things more plainly for what they are versus what we wish they would be.
We want clarity of vision to be able to really understand what our situation is.
To that end, psychoeducation and awareness of what BPD actually is can help you begin to understand if your mother potentially demonstrated some or many of these traits.
When you know what you’re working with, you begin to know more clearly what options are available to you.
Next, we want to ask, given what I know about this person, given what I know about my mother, what’s the likelihood that I can have a close relationship with them?
If they’re willing to work on themselves and their relationship with you – great!
We know that Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is an evidence-based form of clinical treatment shown to have great success in treating BPD.
And (I truly believe this!) if someone is willing to do the work required by DBT and long-term relational therapy work, a diagnosis of BPD does not have to be fixed and static.
It is absolutely possible to heal, to grow, and to become a more emotionally stable and healthy individual even with a BPD diagnosis in the past.
There is, therefore, a possibility that even if your mother had or has BPD traits, if she’s willing to do the work, she can show up in a different way for you.
However, this does require willingness and a deep commitment to doing so.
If, however, your mother is not willing to work on herself or on her relationship with you, we likely need to explore how you can set the boundaries you need to in order to take care of yourself while still being in contact with her.
And/or we may need to help you evaluate if taking more distance, if not fully stepping away from the relationship is what you need for your own mental health.
We also want to help you process your significant pain, frustration and grief that you didn’t and may not ever be able to have the kind of mother that you wanted and needed and still want and need. (Yes, you do get to grieve this.)
We want to help you seek out and befriend other mother figures in your life so that you can have reparative experiences that show you that secure, safe, healthy and consistent attachment is possible.
And, in time, we want to help you become your own “good-enough” inner mother, the internalized source of comfort, warmth, stability, compassion and caregiving that every child longs for.
Wrapping up…
I want to remind you of something I deeply believe: No matter where we’re starting from, change is possible.
No matter what your early childhood experiences were like, it’s possible to live a healthy, thriving adult life filled with secure, healthy relationships.
But this does require confronting your personal history, grieving and processing it, making sense of it, and learning new, more functional behaviors and worldviews as you progress with your life.
If you were raised by a BPD mother, it doesn’t predetermine you for a lifetime of unfulfilling relationships or being diagnosed with BPD yourself.
You can have a healthy, functional, thriving adult life no matter where you come from if you do your own work to make that possible.
I’d love to support you in this so please consider whether therapy with me or one of my center’s relational trauma-informed staff therapists (if you live here in California) might be of support to you right now.
And if you live far away from the Bay or outside of California, please consider participating in my forthcoming online course – “Hard Families, Good Boundaries” – as support to help you with any kind of challenging family situation that you may be facing, with your mother or with anyone else in your life who challenges your boundaries.
No matter where you live and no matter what’s going on for you in your life right now, I truly look forward to hearing from you and to being of support to you.
Warmly, Annie
Additional Supports If Mother’s Day Feels Hard:
- How To Take Care Of Yourself If Mother’s Day Feels Hard For You
- Mother’s Day May Not Feel Easy For You. And You Definitely Aren’t Alone.
- I have 16 mothers. How many do you have?
- Hard Families, Good Boundaries – my first-ever online course that’s been a decade in the making.
Anne I am the mother and the daughter who has healed and recovered from broken parenting. Unfortunately my daughter doesn’t understand and has abandoned me. Please if you can speak to both sides as we begin a new generation of very blessed people. Not perfect but we have healed so much of the attachment wound. Formed boundaries along a new heart. My daughter cannot yet open the door to experience the miracle of what good enough psychotherapy can do along with neurofeedback. I literally had to go back and rewire my brain by letting love in and integrating my history. My childhood was full of dissociation as an unconscious manner of living. I hope to be able to explain this some day. I am sad as its been 5 years now without any contact. Theres a great price to pay sometimes. I hope its not forever. Thanks for your writings, for the honesty.
Sincerely Donna
Donna, please pardon my delayed response. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this with your daughter. But it sounds like you’ve done (and are doing) wonderful work to support yourself and make sense of your childhood experience, and I respect that so much. I’m sorry that your experience has been so challenging, but I hope this article made you feel a little less alone and a little more validated and seen. Thank you for taking the time to share so openly. I’m sending you a big digital hug and all my best. Warmly, Annie
At the age of 44, I have acknowledged that I am a survivor of child abuse, severe emotional and psychological abuse and neglect throughout my entire childhood and into adulthood by my parents, siblings, other family members, classmates and teachers. I was in denial for a long time. I have been ashamed my entire life. I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of covering up. You have helped me so much. Thank you. I work on my recovery every day. And I’m going to keep going. I just wanted to share my truth with you.
Robin, I’m so sorry for my delayed response to your message. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot in life and it also sounds, too, like you’re taking care of yourself and holding the boundaries that will best serve you. I’m so proud of you for working on your recovery each day. It says to me that you’re doing wonderful healing work and really showing up for yourself. Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m rooting for you. Warmly, Annie
I am a survivor of childhood trauma due to a likely BPD mother. At 34, after I was verbally abused again for sharing how her cruel words made me felt, I hung up the phone and channeled my energy into healing myself instead of healing her. The past 2 years in estrangement with both my parents has been a difficult journey, paved with tears and grief. With the support of my therapist, I am working to spend time with my inner child, that little blue girl, in a quest to feel worthy and wholehearted. It is easy to feel isolated in this journey, that despite the professional achievements, the house, the seemingly perfect front from the outside looking in… few seem to understand the deep pain that courses through my heart on a daily basis. This pandemic has made that even harder. I found your words last night as I cried, longing for the parents I wish I had. And I’m not sure I have ever read words that have so fully captured my experience – my struggles, the invisible scars, the complex feelings of both grief, anger, and longing. Thank you for sharing you vulnerability and wisdom through this blog. And for making me feel a little less alone in my journey. <3
Kristen, thank you so much for your beautiful and honest comment. I’m so proud of you for setting the boundaries you need to heal. I know it is a challenging journey, but your commitment to healing is really truly inspiring. And I’m honored that my words could feel even a little bit validating. Thank you for taking the time to share. I’m wishing you all my best. Warmly, Annie
I have almost no loving memories of my mother from childhood and she was a stay at home mother until I was 7 or 8. After reading about BPD I feel I finally have an explanation for all those silent treatments she would give us kids for mild infractions that every kid is guilty of. Except she would freeze us out and not talk to us for a week and sometimes for two. After a difficult period that involved me being my brother’s sole-caretaker while undergoing treatment for his stage 4 cancer because my mother tried to make his illness all about her and he moved in with me and realizing that I didn’t even have my mother to lean on during this time for emotional support even though I was doing all the heavy lifting so to speak. Things came to a head after my brother passed and I finally cut all ties with her. The guilt is real but I endured her drama my entire childhood and I have had enough. I will take a little guilt if that means no more drama.
Lilly, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. And I trust that you’re holding the boundaries that you need and want to in order to support yourself. I’m sending you my very best and really appreciate your open and honest share on this thread. Warmly, Annie
This resonated with me so much. I am 28 still living at home with my BPD mother and I have a one year old son and another on the way. I have been completely codependent on her my whole life and I struggle to find my independence from her to this day. She guilt trips & manipulates me every chance she gets, basically tore me down my whole life to the point that I feel completely helpless without her and yet I cannot stand her. I struggle to find the confidence to leave or do better for myself because the feelings of being worthless and helpless without her are so deeply ingrained in me. I wish I had the strength to just cut her off completely and finally begin living a life of fulfillment and joy.
Hi Diane, Gosh, it’s such a hard position you’re in: the vulnerability of young motherhood and being dependent on the very person you would otherwise want to hold better boundaries and take space from. I hope that you’re giving yourself a lot of compassion and grace and that some part of you knows and trusts that when you’re able and ready to part ways, you will. And in the meantime, give your precious baby an extra snuggle and soak up that baby cuddle medicine. Warmly, Annie