Imagine…
A father who puts his 11-year old daughter on the bathroom scale and tells her that no man will ever love her if the line goes above 150lbs, but then he says he’s “only telling her this for her own good”…
Imagine…
A mother who seems like the perfect, well-regarded soccer mom, sweet and helpful to other parents and kids out in public but who rages and screams at her children and husband at home when they displease her…
Imagine…
A father who plays blatant favorites among his children and who only shows any of them love when they do what he wants or when they act like he wants them to…
Imagine…
A mother who deliberately makes her kids feel confused by telling them something didn’t happen when it objectively did, invalidating their experience and helping them learn they can’t trust themselves…
Do any of these scenarios feel familiar? Do they make you angry or feel uncomfortable? Do they remind you of anyone you know?
Each of these sample vignettes describes a narcissistic parent, or, rather, common actions a narcissistic parent may inflict upon their children.
And in each of these examples (assuming they’re not just one-off experiences), the impact on the children can be profound.
This is a painful, complex, and deeply important topic to talk about because the relational collateral damage of having been raised by a narcissistic father or mother can be vast, hugely impactful, and sometimes intergenerational in continuity if left unhealed and unaddressed by the adult child.
So in today’s post, I want to talk about what a narcissist is, the potential consequences of narcissistic parenting on children, and share suggestions and resources for recovery if you identify with having been raised by a narcissist. Also, if you are ready to stop letting narcissistic parenting affect your life, please be sure to explore my signature online course, Hard Families, Good Boundaries.
What defines a narcissist?
It’s important to clarify that narcissism – excessive interest and pre-occupation in oneself – exists on a spectrum of severity and that all of us as humans are narcissistic to some degree.
And while sometimes narcissism is developmentally appropriate (think toddlers who still haven’t figured out the world doesn’t revolve around them), for others who fall on the more severe end of the narcissism spectrum or who possess the full criterion of narcissistic personality disorder, this would not be considered developmentally appropriate.
So there is narcissism as a trait (with variance falling across a wide spectrum), and then there is a narcissist, or, for the sake of this article, someone who meets the criteria of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition (DSM).
The clinical criteria of someone with NPD include:
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate accomplishments).
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
6. Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.”*
*American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC.
According to the DSM, prevalence rates for NPD “range from 0% to 6.2%” of the population and, of those diagnosed with NPD, “50-70% are male.” (American Psychiatric Association, 2013)
Official criteria and statistics aside, I’ll add that in my professional experience, there is no one single, universal profile of a narcissist.
A narcissist can be a leader of the free world, or a mediocre small business owner, a washed-up old con man, a homebody recluse, a brilliant and accomplished academic, or a stay at home mom. Narcissists can be male or female and found, indiscriminately, across work sectors, races, and socioeconomic strata.
Ultimately, though, regardless of this profile variance, narcissists are defined by an almost exclusive, self-serving focus on themselves and firmly entrenched psychological defenses that guard against almost intolerable feelings of shame stemming from a deeply wounded psyche.
Simply put, deep down, narcissists feel terrible about themselves and do whatever they can to make themselves feel better.
This leads the narcissist to cope through a variety of ways, ultimately seeking to make themselves appear and feel more important and special than, at their core, they truly feel.
Unfortunately, in the pursuit of trying to appear more special and important, they often relationally wound those around them, particularly their spouses and their children.
What can make being raised by a narcissist parent so damaging?
The psychological effects of childhood neglect and emotional abuse are, fortunately, and unfortunately, well documented.
We know that children have core developmental needs that include consistent attachment, mirroring, attunement, and positive regard from their primary caregiver(s) in order to help them establish a stable, cohesive, and positive sense of self and to help them learn secure relational attachment.
We also know that when children don’t consistently receive this, or when they instead receive consistent invalidation, frequent insecure attachment experiences, a lack of empathy, or outright hostility from their caregiver(s), this will impact them in myriad ways.
Unfortunately, parents with NPD possess character traits that are almost antithetical to being able to provide their children what they need to emotionally and mentally develop and thrive.
For example:
- Narcissists can struggle with being able to focus their attention and orient towards someone else instead of towards themselves (refocusing parenting begs of us);
- Children’s normal and natural childhood needs can be a “bother” to a narcissist;
- The moods of a narcissist may be highly variable and explosive in nature if their fragile emotional regulation skills are challenged (which is inevitable with children);
- Narcissists can often seek to put their children down to make themselves feel better and/or play favorites among their children, seeking to stabilize themselves through manipulation of the family dynamics;
- Seeing the child as an extension of themselves, a narcissist may attempt to control the appearance, pursuits, and trajectory of the child so that they align with the image the narcissist is personally trying to display to the world;
- Narcissists may only show love to a child when they perform or act in ways that are pleasing to the narcissist, disallowing a child’s authentic experiences and individuality to come forth;
- Instead of displaying and providing consistent support for their children, a narcissist may invert the dynamic and expect validation, support, and esteem stabilization from their children, therefore parentifying them;
- A narcissistic parent, confronted with a child who is particularly strong-willed, defiant, or independent, may rage, abuse, or even disown the confrontational, scapegoated child.
And these examples are just the tip of the iceberg. There are myriad ways in which narcissistic parenting can manifest.
However, despite how the individual actions of the narcissist show up, and whether the child was raised by a single narcissistic parent or in a blended or married family that colluded with the narcissist, it’s safe to assume that any child – whether this child was the favorite or the family scapegoat – doesn’t escape the ill impacts of being parented by a narcissist.
So what can the ill impacts of being parented by a narcissist look like?
Again, while the impacts on the child will vary as widely as the ways in which narcissistic parenting may manifest, some of the impacts may include:
- Absorbing and deeply believing in dysfunctional and destructive emotional templates of what love looks like;
- They can learn their worthiness is dependent on how they act and what they do, not on who they are or that they are worthy just for existing;
- They may struggle with setting healthy and appropriate boundaries;
- They may struggle or fail to recognize healthy romantic partners and even be drawn to dating or marrying narcissists themselves;
- Adult children of narcissists may fall into caretaking and rescuing roles, seeking validation and worthiness from taking care of others and people-pleasing;
- They may neglect their needs and wants, or even be “needless and wantless”;
- They can have a hard time trusting that their feelings and thoughts are valid and that their needs will ever be met;
- They may deeply struggle with their self-esteem and with maintaining a stable and cohesive sense of self;
- Adult children of narcissists may attempt to cope with their emotional pain from a childhood of neglect and emotional abuse through addictive and self-destructive substances and behaviors;
- Also, adult children of narcissists may possibly grow up to become narcissists themselves.
And again, this list is in no way exhaustive of all the psychological impacts being parented by a narcissist may have on someone.
The impacts will vary and will depend on the context of the child or adult child, how strong their sense of self was, whether they had stabilizing, functional relationships with other adults in their childhood, whether they were the scapegoat or the favorite child, how much or how little contact they had with the narcissist, etc..
Ultimately though, the adult children of narcissists will likely face complex psychological healing tasks as a result of their parenting experiences.
So how does one begin healing after being parented by a narcissist?
Healing from a narcissistic parent.
The healing work required by adult children of narcissists will likely include the following tasks:
- Educate yourself. Whether this is through books (see my reference list below) or through professional support, you will likely need to begin learning about what narcissism is, how it can show up in parenting, and what the possible impacts of it can look like. The first step in any healing process is bringing awareness to what is, and I find that psychoeducation about narcissists can be deeply illuminating as you begin to make sense of your past.
- Confront your personal history of trauma and neglect. I strongly recommend working with a therapist or other trained professional as you begin to remember, talk about, and make sense of your past. And, side note, don’t necessarily look to your own family of origin for an accurate reflection of your personal history if you have memory gaps or questions. They may not be willing or able to validate your personal history based on their own trauma with the narcissist.
- Grieve what you did not receive. Inevitably, in the course of educating yourself and confronting your past, you will need to grieve what you did not receive which, essentially, was a chance to truly be a kid. This grieving process may take quite some time, it can, at times, often feel endless, but it’s so valid and necessary to your healing process.
- Work through the developmental milestones you may not have achieved. Often as children of narcissists we don’t fully get the chance to be children or teens with our own identities, needs, wants, and preferences. We may also have missed out on certain development milestones like lifestyle experimentation, dating, or even pursuing the education or career we wanted due to the impacts of psychologically unhealthy parenting. It’s, therefore, part of your healing work to begin working through any developmental milestones in conjunction with your personal history confrontation and grieving work.
- Setting boundaries. Either with the narcissist(s) still in your life or with those you may be over accommodating and catering to. Learning what healthy boundaries are and how to set them with others is critical for those recovering from narcissistic parenting.
- Seek out healthier, more functional relationships. At first, these may feel hard if not impossible to recognize and you may not trust yourself that you can actually draw these kinds of relationship into your personal life. That’s okay. Start with your relationship with your therapist (a trained professional whose job it is to show up in a healthy, functional way) and allow them to help show you what could be possible in healthier relationships. Over time, may influence who you attract into your personal life.
- Focus your healing and recovery work on developing a more cohesive and stable sense of self. For most adult children of narcissists, our core healing work revolves around developing a more cohesive and stable sense of self, learning to love and value ourselves for who we are, not for who we think we “should” be to win approval. A poor sense of self can impact every area of our lives, from our physical and mental health to our relationships, our career advancement, it can even impact your bank account. So focusing your work with your therapist on cultivating and developing a more cohesive and stable sense of self can be a wonderful way to focus your healing work.
Further resources you may want to look into to support your healing journey may include:
- Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self by Elan Golomb*
- Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary LCSW*
- Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyn McBride*
- Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward*
- Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life by Linda Martinez-Lewi*
- The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed by Jasmin Lee Cori MS LPC*
Wrapping This Up.
This post is not meant to demonize narcissists.
At the end of the day, narcissistic parents likely developed this way because of what they were modeled by their own parents.
And so it goes through the generations until one person of one generation decides to consciously and intentionally break the cycle.
My hope is that if you saw yourself in this article, whether as a child of a narcissist or possibly as a narcissist yourself, that you will make the choice to break the cycle for yourself and whatever family or legacy you create and leave behind.
If you would like support in doing this, I encourage you to reach out.
And until next time, take very good care of yourself.
Warmly, Annie
*This is an affiliate link and any purchases made through this link will result in a small commission for me (at no extra cost for you).
I am a 38 year old woman who grew up with a narcissistic mother, my father and sister are enablers (and my sister is now the golden child, I was but now my sister has filled that role). I have alternated between the golden child and scapegoat all my life, have been gas-lighted all my life and even with extensive self-development (including therapy) I still find it difficult to trust myself and I am getting there with time – starting with small things, and working to bigger ones.
The boundaries of my life outside of the family have never been respected, and if I enforce them it takes a major effort that is anxiety inducing. This seems like a struggle that is never-ending – but it is getting easier to trust myself because I’m able to sort what I see, what my family wants me to do (the “shoulds”) and make choices for myself.
It has been a long road, and I am still chugging along.
Hi Mel,
What you’ve described in terms of the length of the journey and the work of the journey to cope with and recover from a narcissistic family system is what I find so many people have to do. It’s a long and sometimes arduous road (I wish it wasn’t!) but I’m really glad you’re on that path.
I’m wishing you all the very best as you put one foot in front of the other.
Warmly, Annie
Massively helpful. Absolutely on the money. Thank you very much. My mother is a narcissist par excellence. She’s still hellbent on destroying me and she’s eighty-two and I’m fifty-eight. But this has helped enormously.
Hi Simon,
I’m sorry to hear that you know first-hand what this feels like but am glad the article felt helpful in some small way. I’m wishing you all the best and hoping you do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself.
Warmly, Annie
Nice article, Annie. Thank you!
Thank you so much, Alice! I really appreciate your feedback and want to thank you for taking the time to read the post. Warmly, Annie
Thank you for the great article and helpful information. I am 57, my mom died of cancer 16 years ago, I loved her more than anything in the world. Only 20 years after her death the reality hit me like a hammer: I was robbed of my childhood, normalcy, stability and unconditional love. I lived inconstant fear of losing her love, often receiving silent treatment for not behaving the way I was “supposed to”…Name calling, shaming, threats to disown me for talking back… I grew up believing that was just part of life and I had to take it. I know now that’s not the way most people grew up. The last blow of her narcissism was shortly before she died. I went back to Russia after she was diagnosed, and I knew her days were numbered. One day I got emotional and simply started sobbing because I couldn’t keep my sadness inside. She told me very firmly to immediately stop it because “it was very annoying “ to her. That was my last failed attempt to get vulnerable around her.
My side effect of narcissistic abuse was my overeating habit and sugar addiction. I exercised a lot but could not maintain a healthy weight because of high calorie intake. Food was my compensation for what I didn’t get from my mother. Very slowly but steadily I am forming healthy eating habits and breaking my sugar addiction. My love and hugs to all my fellow brothers and sisters who went through the same life challenges, and to great psychologists helping us figure things out. ?
I meant to say 10 years after her death…sorry about typo.
Hi Natasha, thank you so much for taking the time to reach out and share a small piece of your story. I’m so sorry that you were faced with this difficult situation, but it’s inspiring to see how you are growing and taking care of yourself. I hope that you’re proud of yourself every single day for all that you’ve overcome and the progress you are making. I’m rooting for you and sending you my very best. Warmly, Annie
Just coming to terms now with how my narcissistic father (age 55) robbed me of my childhood and continues to belittle me as I (23, female) find myself as an adult. It’s a dark time for me navigating my career, love life, and personal battles all the while knowing my dad doesn’t approve of what ever I do (he makes it clear over the phone) and pays no mind to others I’ve brought into my life (including my boyfriend of nearly 4 years). I’m ready to get after my life without making him a part of it, and working on myself day by day.
Riley – I’m touched by your honesty and vulnerability and am glad that this article could bring you even a small sense of hope and healing. I know it is such a difficult journey, but your commitment to healing is really truly inspiring. I hope you continue to take care of yourself as you navigate through these dark times, and please seek extra support if you need it. You are so worth it. Warmly, Annie
My father was a pathological naccist still is. He loved to hit and abuse me since I was a few months old. My sister was the golden child and I was the devil.. Since we lived in an African village, everyone else hated me because my father demanded that they do so. When I was just 6 years old he would beat me up soo mercilessly and even give me black eyes, swollen limbs and I’d be disabled to go to school most of the time because of these injuries… I surely believed that I was a devil from that much constant exposure to torture and having no understanding as a child it had to go on that way. As a teenager he constantly accused me of having sex with multiple men at ago, when I was a virgin for God’s sake! He would say, “you dirty disgusting prostitute I know you get sexed by not less than 10 men in a day” this is when I was just 13!and I had no right to say otherwise because he made it a habit to always beat and torture me that sometimes I’d end up in hospital beds for more than 5 days.any attempt to justify myself was regarded as disrespect and i wouldn’t go without brutal punishment. Fast forward I later on ran away from home at 17, have struggled through life and now I’m 28,i have a husband and a child… (I was a B student by the way so I went through campus on my own and I’m pretty educated) to date, he still torments me, attempts to control my life and that of my husband… He constantly demands that my husband and I should give him money and take care of him unconditionally… And sets standards on how much money he should be receiving failure to which he gas lights, throws tantrums and curses me out! He even says that I should tell my husband to give him the money we use to pay bills, and says my husband is imperfect and that he is a disgrace and that I should get a better job and direct all my salary to him, and I do not have rights to even have an insurance fir my child that the money should be given ti him and nobody ekse.. Not even my child, it’s sickening!!
Hi Sally, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability here. Growing up in a caustic environment can feel unsafe and painful. You have tolerated and overcome so many traumas, and I wish you only the best as you continue this journey with your father. Take such good care of yourself, I know all of this is challenging. Warmly, Annie.
Hi,
I was married to a narcissist and am now trying to navigate my way through supporting my three children in their relationships with their narcissistic father. All three have ended up self harming at some point. To cut a long story short…my 14 yr old is my worst concern. She has huge low self esteem, self hatred but does not acknowledge her fathers involvement in this. I’d love any information or texts that help a parent support a child in this situation.
Hi Louise, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot in life and it also sounds, too, like you’re taking care of yourself and holding the boundaries that will best serve you. I would encourage you to browse through my library of posts about Healing Childhood Trauma here: https://www.anniewright.com/category/healing-childhood-trauma/. I think this is a great place to start in learning more about the best ways to support your children and yourself. If you need additional support in this, please don’t hesitate to seek that out. I am here for you. Warmly, Annie
Thanks for this. A therapist put a name to my mother’s behavior when I was 45. After my mother died, I found myself in a string of relationships with men who were abusive like her. I think part of it is I miss her terribly. She was abusive but I loved her. Am I looking for her in these men? I think so, maybe. Change is very hard. Slow but sure.
Hi Megan, thank you for posting a comment and sharing your past. I appreciate your openness and vulnerability. I’m sorry to hear about your mother. Relationships with abusive parents can feel so complicated, and I’m proud of you for plugging along, no matter how long and tedious the healing process may feel. Thank you again for your comment, Megan.
I was brought up in a single parent household by a considerably abusive NPD mother. I was lucky that her narcissism was so bad that I quickly learned it was an atypical upbringing and although I never got that validation from her there were plenty of others who could see it from the outside. Not the true extent, but that validation was lifesaving I think. I am still young, 19, so I have hope that I can lead a normal life. However a recent relationship brought up some pretty deep problems that I need to work on, including some narcissistic tendencies in myself which I find horrible. So far the most troubling discoveries I have learned about myself is that I have very bad trust issues and I struggle to appreciate the concept of reliability of outcome. Nothing feels ‘safe’ because no matter what I did her reaction was also unpredictable except for its tendency towards aggression- physical and emotional aggression. Couple that with an anxious attachment style and a perverse sense of how argueying works- seems like the recipe for having no confidence in my own psyche. I am struggling with the thought that I have no way of knowing if I am a good person or just an intelligent narcissist who has manipulated even parts of my own self into furthering a corrupted version of reality.
Hi Rory, thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability in sharing your story. You’re not alone in questioning your history or your own struggles. You are absolutely not alone. I know relationships ending can feel painful and isolating, but your feelings and fears are completely valid. Please take such good care of yourself and take all the time you need. Thank you again for sharing your experience, Rory. Warmly, Annie.
“I am struggling with the thought that I have no way of knowing if I am a good person or just an intelligent narcissist who has manipulated even parts of my own self into furthering a corrupted version of reality” You are DEFINITELY not a narcissist. A narcissist does not read about narcissism, victims do.
Love.
First of all thanks for the article I’ve been studying this for a decade but you know, there is information that does not hit at a time, but later does when the right time comes.
For a long time I thought actual intentional hurt and abuse is the most important thing in NPD parent abuse (guess, if it was 6 years ago I’d say it is and I would be right, I guess I’m just already over that), but it what the NPD or other Cluster B parents does NOT give to the children.
That is at least as much detrimental, which we call this very very weak word: neglect.
NPD-BPD neglect leaves you growing up, maybe you are even successful but walking around trying to figure out who the hell you are. You know it mentally but you don’t really know.
Wish you all much love never give up
Hi Gábor, I’m so glad you found this essay and that it resonated with you now in this chapter of your journey. I think you name something incredibly important that we now know from clinical research: neglect can be just as psychologically detrimental as outright abuse. Thank you for naming this and helping fellow blog readers perhaps feel more seen and validated. Warmly, Annie
Your article is very helpful, especially the “wrapping this up” in which I recognize myself being the one who will end this happening in the next generation. I do know that many CEO’s and political figurers are narcissists, I can know how to identify now, but why do you have to use a picture of Rudy Giuliani? I don’t think that is appropriate.
Hi Niek, I’m pleased that this article felt helpful to you. I make it a point to only use purchased stock photos with models who have licensed their image to be used. However, I do see the resemblance you’re pointing out between this stock photo stranger and Rudy Giuliani. Warmly, Annie.
Thank you so much for this content. It’s really helpful.
I’ve brought up by a narcissitic mother, who is self-oriented and unable to provide me emotional support. She also owns some toxic behavior, for example, she lashed out mean words and anger to me, when she feel bad about herself. It’s painful to receive calls from my mom, which she would talk about how I was a horrible daughther for 30mins to 1 hour. The worst part is that i couldnt tell this to anyone, because everybody around me would be confused as everybody sees her as a caring and kind mother.
I have just started a journey on healing my wounds from a narcisstic mother. From the psychologist consultations, the psychologist told me that since i was born, my mom feels jealous of me as I am the one who takes my father love from her. And she sees me as a competitor. This results in her saying things to make me feel insecure such as “You are not pretty, You are not that smart. She doesnt like me when I was young, because my dad spoiled me.” It’s really painful to hear those words from the person you love the most.
Since I have started to accept the truth that I have a narcisstic mother and I am a wounded adult child (29 years old). Many of the bad memories of me and my mom started to arise. I would let myself cry on it and let go of my sadness for these emotional abuses.
It’s still not easy for me on the process of healing, but I know it’s worth it, I have started to feel lighter as im letting go of my emotional past.
So, anyone who is just realised that you have unhealthy parents dont hesitate to seek help and heal these wounds.
Hi Siree, I’m so happy this post resonated with you! And I’m so proud of you for doing the personal growth work of healing from childhood trauma. Thank you for sharing your story with us and take such good care of yourself. Warmly, Annie
My sister and I are still having flashbacks of how horrible our parents were while raising us. We are both stuck and even in our late 20s we are still grieving our troubled childhood full of unnecessary comments and physical abuse from our father, and the absence/indifference of our mother because of fear to my father. I’ve been struggling because as an adult I keep seeing in pop culture what is a normal family and I keep asking myself why I didn’t have that. I was a perfect daughter, the most applied student of the whole school, which means my father felt envy and was always looking for an opportunity to “proof” he was more smart than me. Until we had an argument and they kicked me out of the house (I had no money to get out sooner). Probably the worst thing is that they are too proud to ask for forgiveness, so they act as if nothing happened and want me to act like that as well. I don’t know what to do, so I will keep reading about healthy boundaries.
Hi Alma, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability in sharing your story. I’m so proud of you for putting in the personal work and learning more about what healthy and functional families, relationships and boundaries *actually* look like. Fragile family systems often rely on others acting as if nothing has happened. But that doesn’t mean you have to participate and deny your own reality. I’m thinking of you and sending you all my best. Warmly, Annie.