Am I codependent?

Personal Growth & Self-Discovery • November 8, 2020

In the course of our personal growth journeys, as we begin to learn more about ourselves, our patterns, and the way our lives were impacted by our early childhood experiences, we may, at some point, confront the question:

“Am I codependent?”

If you’ve ever asked this question, if you’re curious or concerned that this may be the case for you, today’s essay is written just for you.

Please, keep reading if this question has ever lived in your own mind and heart.

1. What does it mean to be codependent?
2. But how do you know if you’re codependent? 
3. Signs You May Be Carrying Relational Trauma
4. Why does someone become codependent?
5. How do I stop being codependent?
6. The destination is interdependence.
7. Breaking Free from Codependency Through Attachment-Focused Trauma Therapy
8. Wrapping up.

What does it mean to be codependent?

“There are two questions a man must ask himself: The first is ‘Where am I going?’ and the second is ‘Who will go with me?’ If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble.” ― Sam Keen, Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man

Codependency, like with so many other mental health terms, has filtered into our general consciousness and pop lexicon.  

And, like with so many of these terms, it’s often misunderstood and misrepresented, conflated, or used as a weapon to insult others. 

“You two are always joined at the hip! Oh my god, you’re like so codependent!”

“You call your mom every week? Aren’t you afraid that’s a little too codependent?”

“He’s totally happy to let her be in the limelight. It’s codependent behavior if you ask me.”

I’m sure you could write your own list of times you’ve heard this phrase used and weaponized.

According to Mental Health America, 

“[Codependency] is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction”. People with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive, and/or abusive.“

And still, Wikipedia defines codependency as:

“…a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. Definitions of codependency vary. But it is generally defined as a subclinical, situational, and/or episodic behavioral condition. Similar to that of dependent personality disorder. The term is less individually diagnostic and more descriptive of a relationship dynamic.”

Codependency then, in essence, describes an impaired way of relating to others and relating to the self in healthy, constructive ways.

It’s a relational disorder that impairs the life of the person who displays these tendencies.

But how do you know if you’re codependent? 

What are the signs and signals that you may have tendencies towards this relational disorder?

“Ever since people first existed, they have been doing all the things we label “codependent.” They have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn’t help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backwards avoiding hurting people’s feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn’t have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn’t believe they deserved silk.”
― Melody Beattie

There is no one singular checklist of qualities and characteristics of what makes someone codependent. Different sources have different thoughts about it.

In my experience as a relational trauma expert, here are the qualities and characteristics that I believe comprise codependency:

Impaired esteem.